Doctors: Useless Waste of Money or Heroic Life Savers?

If you know my family very well, or if you know my mom at all, it should come as no surprise to you that I have only had a handful of doctors appointments in the 22 years I have been alive. I have NEVER had a good experience in a doctors office. Now, you might argue that no one ever has fun during a doctors appointment. However, I will respond to that with this; I have never been helped by a doctor in any way, shape or form.

My first experience with a physician occurred, or didn't occur, at the time of my birth. You see, no one believed my mom knew what she was talking about when she was shouting that she was in transition  down the hospital hallway. The nurse had to actually see the top of my head before she even believed that my mom was pregnant, therefore, the doctor barely made it in time to help me into this world.

That should have tipped me off. I should have just know from that point on that no doctor would ever try to actually help me.

As a child, I had very few check-ups. However, if something was really wrong my mom was not completely opposed to checking with a doctor to making sure I wasn't on the brink of death.  I wish she would have just let me die.

I was six, or seven, or maybe eight years old. I don't even really remember what was wrong, I just remember not being able to walk and having to stay in bed forever. So my mom decided to take me to the doctor. Dr. Jacobson A.K.A. Dr. Hateful Jerk. Now if my mom took one of us to the doctor, it meant we all had to go to the doctor. So when Dr. HJ came in to see me, he was also greeted by Mom, Mary, Tj, Amy and Emily (possibly Cody as well, depending on what my actual age was). Now, I was a very modest and shy little girl. I didn't even like to look at strangers, let alone talk to them. Did Doc. HJ care about that? Nope. He made me take my clothes off. I had never been so humiliated in my life. Standing in the doctors office naked, being poked and prodded, while my entire family watched. And as if that wasn't bad enough, Tj laughed! Ooooh, it still makes me so mad! People who think that stuff doesn't matter to children are stupid. You should never make a child do something that a grown-up would be humiliated to do (Mom!).

That was when I first began to HATE doctors, mostly male doctors. I played make believe games about doctors torturing me. I actually remember laying on my back in the hallway, kicking my feet and screaming "Doctor no!" That was when I kicked a tack off the wall, it fell into my mouth, and I swallowed it. After being rushed to the hospital, the doctors informed my parents that they could either do a surgery that might kill me, or just wait till I "passed" it on my own. Thus began the daily toilet search. I couldn't flush until my parents had inspected the toilet. This was both traumatizing and confusing...

Then there was the time I thought I broke my foot...I was hyped up about getting to wear a cast, use crutches, and miss work/school. Only to be told I had a small fracture. So I was sent home so heal on my own...That foot still bothers me.

Then, I had a nice long break from doctors. Years of bliss, spent enjoying youth and health with no fears of the dreaded "white coats".

Then suddenly, in February of 2009, all that changed. On arriving home from Uganda, I became deathly ill with a mysterious disease.

Symptoms:

A strep like rash, covering my entire body from head to toe. (It was the worst on my hands and feet.) Extreme pain and constant itchiness.

Swollen joints...as in every joint in my body was swollen. Shoulders, elbows, wrists, fingers, hips, knees, ankles, toes. You have never felt true pain until you have swollen, itchy elbows.

Everyday, the swelling and the itching increased. After four days, my mom took me to urgent care. This should be a hint as to how worried she was. The doctor who saw me tested me for scarlet fever, but really had no idea what was wrong. She advised to me see my regular doctor as soon as possible.  So we made a appointment and I somehow managed not to die while waiting for my appointment. Well, Monday morning rolled around and I woke up in seemingly perfect health. Slightly embarrassed, I went in to meet my "regular" for the first time. His response? "Well, you were sick." Oh great, thanks for the help useless man doctor.

Although the rash and swelling went away, I never felt like I went back to normal. From that point on, my immune system has been really weak. I get sick every few months, and not just sick, but really really sick. After a year, I finally started to improve. Then in April I went to India for two weeks.

It might have been a result of eating curry spiced mystery meat, not being able to breath, having the worst motion-sickness of my life, or walking along a beach dotted with human excrement, but when I got home, I was sick for months. Let's just say...my stomach hurt.  Once again, I went to the doctor. A new one, this time a woman. I had high hopes that she might actually be able to help me, however I was again disappointed. Her response? "It's because your getting older". Oh right, now that I have reached the mature age of 22, my body can no longer properly digest food. That makes perfect sense.

So I swore off doctors for good. Until recently when I once again became ill.
Symptoms: Horrible hacking cough, snotty nose, and a reoccurring fever.

I've been sick for over two week now, and there's still no end in sight. So when my mom once again suggested I go to the doctor, I swallowed my pride and hoped for the best. What did she say "Well, sweetie everyone wants to be healthy for the holidays. You can take some amoxicillin, but honey, if you have a virus it won't help you at all." Ok great,  thanks for nothing.

What do doctors even go to school for anyway? 
Apparently, a licence to call everyone honey...