Thursday, March 1, 2012

A puzzle of a blog.

Somewhere out there is a dedicated blog reader. This is for you. 

A few weeks after I got home I found a CD in the back seat of my dad's car. I decided to check it out and ever since I have pretty much been in music therapy every time I go anywhere. CD on repeat, windows down, taking snapshots of sunsets as I go...I can't really say that things are bad. I enjoy my new job, spend more money on clothes than necessary, and am busy looking for a new church to call my own. 
To know no testing takes me, beyond what I can stand. 
I know whatever happens I am held within God's hand. 
God says "now don't be anxious, though trials may come your way, 
just understand that they are here to show your need to pray."

But life is...boring. A bit, mundane. Nothing to stretch me, challenge me. Not that there couldn't be, but I'm too  comfortable to go and look for it. In a way, I'm back where I was a year ago, only now I have a year of experience telling me that my life can be very different. 
So I breath, I'm still breathing. So I sing with all that I am. 
I'm still breathing. 

sketch by Hana Denny while at church with me. 
In a way, I am enjoying the normalcy of life, but then there's always little reminders that I am not content to forever live as a normal girl. I can't be, I'm too unorthodox for that. Maybe the fact that I have experienced six different countries in the last four years has caused my wanderlust to grow. 
He counts the hairs on my head, knows thoughts before I speak. 
He answers prayer before I ask when it's his will I seek. 

A good friend of mine explained how his recent move to a new state made him feel. He said "It's like going to Disneyland and riding  Space Mountain for the first time, then getting off at the end of the ride and looking excitedly to your friends to talk about how cool it was, only to realize that you are alone." I feel that way sometimes. 
He sees each sparrow when it falls He made the land and sea. 
He know each time I stray from Him and yet He still loves me. 
I'm still breathing. So I sing with all that I am. I'm still breathing.

I just got off one of the best rides of my entire life. I know that God has led me home. In a way, I am on a new ride now...but this one is more like Small World than Space Mountain. No one wants to stay on the same adventure forever, but I do feel ready for a bit more excitement. 
The grace of God surrounds me, the storms have not all passed,
but I'm to weak to make it known, my strength will never last.  

Please don't misunderstand, I know I need this time right now. I LOVE Arizona, I love being home and being near my family. But I also know that God has called me to a different kind of life than most people are willing to live. Now is a time of waiting and praying for direction. 
My loving father knows my need that's why He walks with me, 
and in my weakness I am strong, He is the strength in me.
I'm still breathing, so I sing with all that I am. 

Almost every day, I am asked the question, "So, what's next for you? What do you want to do now?" 
I only have one answer, I don't know. For now, I just breath, sing, and drive.  
So I breath. I'm still breathing. 

Lyrics by Justin Unger