This Monday in my Nehemiah class, my teacher asked three questions that forced me to think about last year.
1. Where were you 9 months ago?
2. Where were you 5 months ago?
3. Where were you 1 1/2 months ago?
Those three questions where enough to cause instant tears and my heart to fill with thankfulness...class could have been over at this point and I would have left feeling like I heard a whole sermon. You see, nine months ago I was in a pretty bad spot. I don't think anyone really understood, not even my family. When I got home from India last spring, I had a little bit of a crisis. I no longer fit anywhere. I hated my life. I hated my job. I really didn't like looking at myself, because I was nothing that I wanted to be. Now, I have never been one to wallow in depression...I honestly haven't ever really been able to understand what true depression is, but when I look back at myself I see that time being the closest I have ever come to being depressed. I wrote this blog post in April last year. The fact that I wrote those few lines and published them online for the world to see really proves that I felt very lonely. Then, right before my 22nd birthday, I wrote this. Now I know the tone of this post is actually pretty upbeat, but the part that really reflects my heart is the following paragraph -
"I wish I did more things. I've always wanted to do so many things. If you were ever to ask me "What would you like to do before you die" I'm sure I could come up with a brand new lengthy list, right on the spot. If you ask me the same thing a week later, my list would be different. Here's the real point...my birthday is on Monday. Twenty-two. I know it's not forty-five, but really, twenty-two is practically grown up. you see, I've always been a girl who plans. I've been planning my life all my life. I always knew that I would have my life figured out by this age. I can actually remember specific conversations with my best friend about how I was NEVER going to be the kind of girl who lived with her parents and had no idea what she wanted to do. Suddenly, I am confronted with the fact that I am exactly in the place I never wanted to be."
The truth was, I was so disappointed in myself. I was wasting my life and had no idea how to get away from myself. I knew that God had something more for me. I always have. I remember the first time I ever realized that God wanted to use me. I was 16 and on a missions trip in Mexico with my youth group. We went to an orphanage and I remember feeling God stirring my heart. I realized for the first time that there was work to do and that life was not all about me. That MY life is not all about ME...or at least that I didn't want it to be.
But I was 16, and I forgot.
So then, I was 22 and I looked at my life and felt like a failure. I never wanted to be like this...so I escaped. I didn't want to feel bad about myself anymore so I just stopped looking at my life. Instead, I watched TV. Well, TV shows via NetFlix. Last summer, I watched all 7 seasons of Gilmore Girls, 8 seasons of Monk, 3 seasons of Dr. Quinn Medicine Women, 4 seasons of The Big Valley, 5 seasons of I Love Lucy, 2 seasons of Hells Kitchen, and many many movies. I also worked and hung out with friends. I kept my mind so busy with the adventures and problems of fictional characters that I didn't have to look at myself. Let me just point out to those who don't know how I grew up....THIS IS WAS NOT NORMAL for me. I never watched TV growing up...like ever. I like to be busy, I like to be outside, I like to be social. But I had been done with college for over a year and, simply, I just had nothing else to do.
So nine months ago, somewhere in June, I was in my bed with my lights off, staring at a screen and hating my life.
Then I had enough. I couldn't do it anymore. I knew I needed to have some kind of purpose, something to keep me busy. I HAD to move. I decided to go back to school, my local community college, and I registered for Ballet, Personal Exploratory Writing and Ceramics. It wasn't surprising to anyone that ballet wasn't for me...but I loved my other classes! Then God began to work on my heart...once I was out of my room I was again confronted with how badly people need to hear of Gods love. In my writing class, I heard so many "essays" that were really cries for help. Personal stories of abuse, drug addictions, confused and angry political views, and most of all...souls searching for purpose. It was horrible to know that I held the answer in my heart, but didn't have the courage or the knowledge to share. I don't care what anyone says...trying to be a living example is not enough. Yes, there are those stories we hear in church...stories where the lost say to the saved "You're different, and I want what you have"...but when does this ever happen? I know it has, I know it can...but it's not enough. What about the people who don't notice a difference? What about the people who don't ask? I knew I wanted to be able to learn boldness and to really know the answers to questions I would face...
So five months ago I applied to come here, and in November I got my acceptance letter.
I was thrilled! I finally had a goal! Not just an idea, but a real focus. This was the beginning of peace that overwhelmed me. God continued to reveal Himself to me. One day I was house sitting for my best friends mom. I had the house all to myself...so I woke up early, made myself coffee, put my hair in curlers and blasted music. Then the doorbell rang and I found two Jehovah's Witness women on the porch. The best word I can use to describe myself at that moment - unprepared. I was totally unprepared. These two women tore apart everything I had to say. There I was, no makeup, curlers wrapped in a turban, and Michael Buble crooning in the background...trying so hard to tell them that Jesus IS God...and I couldn't. They knew their bible better than I knew mine...finally, out of words, I started crying. I know they felt bad, but I felt worse. I went inside with new determination...as a Christian, it is my responsibility to really understand what I believe so that I might share with others. I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that God was calling me to Hungary to Bible College.
So a month and a half ago, I was here. It's amazing. I can already look back to February and seen how much God has been working in me and changing me. Today, I am blessed by God's faithfulness.
"Brothers, my heart’s desire and prayer to God for them is that they may be saved. For I bear them witness that they have a zeal for God, but not according to knowledge." - Romans 10:1-2
Today, my Romans teacher said this "Knowledge without zeal is dead and zeal without knowledge is dangerous." I want both knowledge and zeal.
1. Where were you 9 months ago?
2. Where were you 5 months ago?
3. Where were you 1 1/2 months ago?
Those three questions where enough to cause instant tears and my heart to fill with thankfulness...class could have been over at this point and I would have left feeling like I heard a whole sermon. You see, nine months ago I was in a pretty bad spot. I don't think anyone really understood, not even my family. When I got home from India last spring, I had a little bit of a crisis. I no longer fit anywhere. I hated my life. I hated my job. I really didn't like looking at myself, because I was nothing that I wanted to be. Now, I have never been one to wallow in depression...I honestly haven't ever really been able to understand what true depression is, but when I look back at myself I see that time being the closest I have ever come to being depressed. I wrote this blog post in April last year. The fact that I wrote those few lines and published them online for the world to see really proves that I felt very lonely. Then, right before my 22nd birthday, I wrote this. Now I know the tone of this post is actually pretty upbeat, but the part that really reflects my heart is the following paragraph -
"I wish I did more things. I've always wanted to do so many things. If you were ever to ask me "What would you like to do before you die" I'm sure I could come up with a brand new lengthy list, right on the spot. If you ask me the same thing a week later, my list would be different. Here's the real point...my birthday is on Monday. Twenty-two. I know it's not forty-five, but really, twenty-two is practically grown up. you see, I've always been a girl who plans. I've been planning my life all my life. I always knew that I would have my life figured out by this age. I can actually remember specific conversations with my best friend about how I was NEVER going to be the kind of girl who lived with her parents and had no idea what she wanted to do. Suddenly, I am confronted with the fact that I am exactly in the place I never wanted to be."
The truth was, I was so disappointed in myself. I was wasting my life and had no idea how to get away from myself. I knew that God had something more for me. I always have. I remember the first time I ever realized that God wanted to use me. I was 16 and on a missions trip in Mexico with my youth group. We went to an orphanage and I remember feeling God stirring my heart. I realized for the first time that there was work to do and that life was not all about me. That MY life is not all about ME...or at least that I didn't want it to be.
But I was 16, and I forgot.
So then, I was 22 and I looked at my life and felt like a failure. I never wanted to be like this...so I escaped. I didn't want to feel bad about myself anymore so I just stopped looking at my life. Instead, I watched TV. Well, TV shows via NetFlix. Last summer, I watched all 7 seasons of Gilmore Girls, 8 seasons of Monk, 3 seasons of Dr. Quinn Medicine Women, 4 seasons of The Big Valley, 5 seasons of I Love Lucy, 2 seasons of Hells Kitchen, and many many movies. I also worked and hung out with friends. I kept my mind so busy with the adventures and problems of fictional characters that I didn't have to look at myself. Let me just point out to those who don't know how I grew up....THIS IS WAS NOT NORMAL for me. I never watched TV growing up...like ever. I like to be busy, I like to be outside, I like to be social. But I had been done with college for over a year and, simply, I just had nothing else to do.
So nine months ago, somewhere in June, I was in my bed with my lights off, staring at a screen and hating my life.
Then I had enough. I couldn't do it anymore. I knew I needed to have some kind of purpose, something to keep me busy. I HAD to move. I decided to go back to school, my local community college, and I registered for Ballet, Personal Exploratory Writing and Ceramics. It wasn't surprising to anyone that ballet wasn't for me...but I loved my other classes! Then God began to work on my heart...once I was out of my room I was again confronted with how badly people need to hear of Gods love. In my writing class, I heard so many "essays" that were really cries for help. Personal stories of abuse, drug addictions, confused and angry political views, and most of all...souls searching for purpose. It was horrible to know that I held the answer in my heart, but didn't have the courage or the knowledge to share. I don't care what anyone says...trying to be a living example is not enough. Yes, there are those stories we hear in church...stories where the lost say to the saved "You're different, and I want what you have"...but when does this ever happen? I know it has, I know it can...but it's not enough. What about the people who don't notice a difference? What about the people who don't ask? I knew I wanted to be able to learn boldness and to really know the answers to questions I would face...
So five months ago I applied to come here, and in November I got my acceptance letter.
I was thrilled! I finally had a goal! Not just an idea, but a real focus. This was the beginning of peace that overwhelmed me. God continued to reveal Himself to me. One day I was house sitting for my best friends mom. I had the house all to myself...so I woke up early, made myself coffee, put my hair in curlers and blasted music. Then the doorbell rang and I found two Jehovah's Witness women on the porch. The best word I can use to describe myself at that moment - unprepared. I was totally unprepared. These two women tore apart everything I had to say. There I was, no makeup, curlers wrapped in a turban, and Michael Buble crooning in the background...trying so hard to tell them that Jesus IS God...and I couldn't. They knew their bible better than I knew mine...finally, out of words, I started crying. I know they felt bad, but I felt worse. I went inside with new determination...as a Christian, it is my responsibility to really understand what I believe so that I might share with others. I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that God was calling me to Hungary to Bible College.
So a month and a half ago, I was here. It's amazing. I can already look back to February and seen how much God has been working in me and changing me. Today, I am blessed by God's faithfulness.
"Brothers, my heart’s desire and prayer to God for them is that they may be saved. For I bear them witness that they have a zeal for God, but not according to knowledge." - Romans 10:1-2
Today, my Romans teacher said this "Knowledge without zeal is dead and zeal without knowledge is dangerous." I want both knowledge and zeal.
3 comments:
I love you and I love God for everything He's doing in your life and for everything He's doing in my life.
He is amazing and we don't even get what that means... but we experience it every day.
You know how sometimes Christian life is such a struggle because of daily battles we have... and sometimes I think it's harder than it ever was and it probably is - I'm under authority of God and not "free" to do whatever I want anymore. BUT being saved, being under authority of God, in His arms of protection, love, peace and comfort - that's better than ANYTHING in the world!
And yes, I'm thankful we're saved!!! :)
Callie, this is wonderful! I am so happy for you. Isn't God just wonderful? He always keeps His promises, and always answers our prayers.
“Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you." Matthew 7:7
Love you Callie, and I'm praying for you!
It's a powerful realization to find that we can actually hear God and truthfully forget (just like Israel did over and over). We need to remind ourselves, or we will forget.
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